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Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one.
Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
Riding a circus elephant.
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
To ticket agent
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
Lois giggles
Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a decent martini around here?
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening!
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, brocolli!
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO"!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I swear... you bastard.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ....Can't it be both?
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but...you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
Peter Griffin: I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man!
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Stewie: Mother, I come baring a gift. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffen: Meg, could you change Stewie?
Meg Griffen: Fine, but this time if a boy calls please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Answering phone
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!!!!!!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
The Jetsons parody
Jane: Oh my God! George!
After being on the dog walker
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy!
Elroy: But...
George: GO TO YOUR ROOM! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken!
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry', I could've been killed!!
While trying to potty-train Stewie
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter: Rea...Really?
Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Bob Ross: Ok we're just going to draw a little bush right here. This could just be our little secret bush. If you tell anyone about that little bush, I will come to your house and I will CUT YOU!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for toilet training books.
: Yes, we can help you there. "Everybody Poops" is still the standard, of coarse. We've also got the less popular "Nobody Poops But You."
Peter Griffin: Well, see we're Catholic.
: Then you want "You're A Naughty Child And That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back Of You."
Peter Griffin: Perfect!
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that happened ten minutes ago!
While eating a waffle
Stewie Griffin: OH!!! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!
Greg Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
looking at himself in a spoon
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Lois: What's going on?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"
The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.
waiter cuts his bread
Waiter: Uh, sir, it's liquid.
slaps him
At a job interview
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife! Don't say doing your wife!"
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!
An extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mars, the fourth planet from the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I don't know...
Peter: I'm a man jackass!
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Brian: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
flashback
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: So what happened to the guy that stole the money?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I fell on him.
Peter Griffin: Sounds like you got some more competition at next year's Special People's Games. HehHehHehHehHeh.
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word! You have no right to use it!
pause
Jim: Yes. Thank you.
brief pause
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.
Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no... nothing here adds up at all!
Stewie Griffin: You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Picking up the phone.
Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what..
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!
Peter: Holy crap!...Did anyone else feel that?
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins! Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. Alright!
Peter Griffin: I didn't even fart until I was 18.
Flash back
Peter hears a farting sound
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Lois: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I...I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!
Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian: The Bradys?
Peter: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
Peter Griifin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus
Tour Guide: Und as you can see Germany has such a rich and beautiful history, as depicted in your pamphlets. Questions?
Brian: Yeah, I got a question. In your pamphlet, there's a huge gap between 1939 and 1945.
Tour Guide: NOTHING HAPPENED! EVERYONE WENT ON VACATION!
Brian: But isn't that when Germany invaded Poland?
Tour Guide: DIDN'T INVADE--INVITED! THERE WAS PUNCH UND EVERYTHING! ASK POLAND!
Brian: This is part of your history and you can't deny it.
Shouting in German like Hitler
Brian: Say, is that a beer house?
Tour Guide: Oh, ja! Amsterdam is renowned for its beer houses.
showing his crotch to Peter
Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?
Peter Griffin: I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like "I told you so" or "Stop doing that I'm asleep".
Diet Instiute Worker: Sir, you cant park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, thats my kid!
Diet Instiute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Instiute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid!!
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!
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