Futurama Quotes

[First lines of the series.]
Philip J. Fry: [offscreen] Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.

Fry: That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!

Zapp Brannigan: You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.

[Zapp Brannigan offers Leela some champagne.]
Zapp: Cham-paggin?
Leela: I didn't realize you were such a "coin-asseur."
Zapp: Well, I have studied abroad... or two!

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again... and a robot.

Leela: We're going to deliver this crate like professionals.
Fry: Aww, can't we just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it?
Bender: Too much work! I say we burn it, then *say* we dumped it in the sewer!

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the crew!

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste!
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.

Fry: What if I don't want to be a delivery boy?
Leela: Then you'll be fired...
Fry: Fine!
Leela: ...out of a cannon, into the sun.

[After being kicked out of a theme park.]
Bender: Forget your stupid theme park! I'm gonna make my own! With hookers! And blackjack! In fact, forget the theme park!

Mayor of New New York City: Whoa! You can't just find garbage lying in the streets of Manhattan!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that you're our new employees, I'd like you to have a look at our commercial. I paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl.
Phillip Fry: Wow!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course, not on the same channel.

Dr. Zoidberg: Now open that mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, not that mouth, the other mouth.
Phillip Fry: I only have one mouth.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really...
Phillip Fry: Uh... could I see a HUMAN doctor?
Dr. Zoidberg: Now listen young lady, I know everything there is about humans.

Bender: I hate people who love me. And they hate me.

[Bender is watching a cooking show, when Fry and Leela come in, and Bender turns off the tv]
Leela: What were you watching Bender?
Bender: It was... ah porno, that's right, porno.
[Fry turns the tv back on]
Leela: Ah Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking, that's sweet.
Bender: Well I--
Phillip J. Fry: I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.

Amy Wong: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: Naw, she'll probably have me do it.

Phillip J. Fry: No, Professor, don't give up! There were plenty of times in my century when I was going to give up, but I never did, never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up.

Phillip J. Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Phillip J. Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly! And now, now Saturn.
Phillip J. Fry: Pine needles! Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus!
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Phillip J. Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Phillip J. Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

Phillip J. Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century! We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Phillip J. Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Hermes Conrad: Okay, captain, this is just a standard legal release, protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen.
Leela: [reading] "Death by airlock failure..."
Hermes Conrad: Mm-hm.
Leela: "...death by brain parasite..."
Hermes Conrad: Yah.
Leela: "...death by sonic diarrhea..."
Hermes Conrad: Oho, you don't want that.
Leela: Look, I don't know about your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Hermes Conrad: Ohohohohohohoho!.... Sign the paper.

Phillip J. Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Phillip J. Fry: Ten!
[ship takes off]
Phillip J. Fry: Nine!
[ship reaches the moon]
Leela: Okay, we're here.
Phillip J. Fry: [quietly] Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: If it is alien, we must destroy it!
Kif Kroker: Umm, sir....
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif.

Glurmo: That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive!

[Discussion of the mysterious Slurm Cola.]
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient!
Phillip J. Fry: My God, what if the secret ingredient is people?
Leela: No, there's already a soda like that -- Soylent Cola.
Phillip J. Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.

Leela: I've never seem anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Phillip J. Fry: This is nothing. In high school, I used to drink a hundred cans of Cola a week, right up to my third heart attack.

[Bender is sick.]
Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc!
Bender: I am forty percent zinc!
Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Or a bit fat placebo! It's all the same crap!

Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan!
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned! You've gotta give me a do-over!
Craps dealer: Sorry -- house limit is three do-overs.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm getting the Captain's Itch.
Kif Kroker: I'll get the powder, sir.

[Fry and Leela pretend to be involved to ward off Zapp.]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Thank God there were plenty of escape pods! We won't have to dress up like women and children!

[The escape pod is too slow.]
Leela: Something's wrong. We're two metric tons overweight.
Amy Wong: Well, it's not ME.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that might win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: In which field?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I don't care -- they all pay the same.

[About Mars University]
Leela: They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...

Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
Phillip J. Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.

Gearshift: No, Bender, wait! We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us! Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool.
Bender: Hmmm... okay, but I'll need ten kegs of beer, a continuous tape of "Louie, Louie," and a regulation two-story panty-raid ladder.

[Gunther the Monkey runs away.]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he would run off like this! Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?

[Fry reveals he told Gunther the Monkey to run away.]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? After I spent MONTHS slaving over a hot monkey brain?

Phillip J. Fry: Wow! The jungles on Mars look like the jungles on Earth!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth?! Hahahahaha!!!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But what about your superintelligence?
Gunther the Monkey: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to Business School!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Bender: That's no lady!
Robot Drag Queen: Damn, chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
Robot Drag Queen: You couldn't afford it, honey!

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Philip J. Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.

[On turning Leela into a Slurm Queen.]
Glurmo: But your Highness, she's a commoner! Her slurm will taste foul!
Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as "New Slurm"! Then when everyone hates it, we'll bring back "Slurm Classic," and make billions!

Bender: There! This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable!

Mutant: Please, do not be frightened, we're harmless!
3 Armed Mutant: Hey, I've got three arms!
Mutant: I said "harmless," not "armless."

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip.]
Bender: My God! I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip.]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Phillip J. Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo!
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

Mutant: Our only hope is to offer him a snackrifice.
3 Armed Mutant: Yes! An unspoiled virgin!
Leela: I volunteer!
Girl Mutant: Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's web site!

Phillip J. Fry: If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him!
Leela: I can't! I love every living creature!
Phillip J. Fry: Even me?
Leela: As a friend.
Phillip J. Fry: Damn!

Mutant: This is our library.
Bender: Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.

Leela: What are we delivering?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed: the ceremonial oversized scissors.
Leela: We'll get them there as quickly as we can.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Alright, but don't run with them.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot the one thing: rock crushes scissors.
[Suddenly thoughtful]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: But paper covers rock! And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.

[Zapp Brannigan and Kif were fired from DOOP.]
Leela: Zapp?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela, I didn't know where else to turn. You're the only woman who's ever loved me.
Leela: I never loved you.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I mean physically.
Leela: What do you want?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Just let me work for a little food. Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floor!
Leela: You don't know how to do ANY of those things.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif might.

[Zapp mutinies against Leela.]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela, you may be a formidable do-er of the nasty, but I'm forced to relieve you of your post.

[Bender is mutinying against Leela and locking her in the laundry room.]
Bender: Don't worry, Leela -- soon we'll be able to look on this and laugh.
[Bender walks to the exit, turns around and laughs at her.]

Captain Zapp Brannigan: You know, boys, a good captain needs abilities like boldness, daring and a good velour uniform, and I'm not convinced Leela has ANY of those things.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Here's to us poor schmoes, working for the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy female man.

Neutral Vice President: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert!
Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife "Hello."

Phillip J. Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

Bender: Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!

Phillip J. Fry: This snow is beautiful! I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Phillip J. Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog!

Capt. Zapp Brannigan: I'm not a one-woman man.
Leela: I'm sure you'll be back to zero soon enough.

Philip J. Fry: I have an idea!
Leela: I have a better one!

Bender: I can't see anything. Are we boned?
Leela: We're boned.

Philip J. Fry: Good ol' Coney Island College. Go WhiteFish!

Amy Wong: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.

Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself I guess... and my banjo... and Fry!

Bender: Ahhh, what an awful dream! Ones and zeroes everywhere... and I thought I saw a two!

[Al Gore is playing Dungeons & Dragons]
Al Gore: I'm a 12th level Vice President!

[Fry enters naked into a steam room where Amy and Leela are bathing.]
Philip J. Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I LOVE the future!
Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
Philip J. Fry: Ahhh. Fu-tur-istic!
Amy Wong: [indicating Fry's crotch] Psst. Look what life was like before genetic engineering.
Leela: Those poor 20th century women.

Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Philip J. Fry: Oh baby! I'm THERE!
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Philip J. Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

[Dr. Zoidberg is preparing to look for a mate.]
Dr. Zoidberg: How do I look?
Bender: Like whale barf.
Dr. Zoidberg: Then the illusion is complete!

Philip J. Fry: Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.
Bender: And it pinkens your teeth as you chew!

7-11 Clerk: If for any reason you're not satisfied with our service, I hate you.

[Fry and Bender are going off to war.]
Hermes Conrad: I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.

Capt. Zapp Brannigan: I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?
Kif Kroker: [groaning] Sexslexia.

Kif Kroker: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir!
Capt. Zapp Brannigan: Yes! He edged out my old mark by two seconds...
[Kif stares at him]
Capt. Zapp Brannigan: ...and 16 minutes...
[Kif rolls his eyes]
Capt. Zapp Brannigan: ...and 12 hours...
[Kif stares at him]
Capt. Zapp Brannigan: ...I do plan to finish someday, Kif.

Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Philip J. Fry: And then the battle is not so bad?
Soldier: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

Kif Kroker: Mix these mixed nuts! I see two almonds touching!

[A giant Bender is destroying New York City.]
Amy Wong: There goes the neighborhood.
[Boom!]
Amy Wong: There goes another neighborhood.

[Leela fantasizes she killed the Professor.]
Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: Blackmail is just an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool.

Al Gore: To my left, you'll recognize Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons.
Gary Gygax: Greetings it's a...
[rolls dice]
Gary Gygax: ...pleasure to meet you.

Al Gore: If we don't go back there and make that event happy, the entire universe will be destroyed. ...And as an enivronmentalist, I'm against that.

Nichelle Nichols: Something's wrong. Murder isn't working, and that's all we're good at.

Philip J. Fry: I'll need a weapon to fight off drunken robots when I get there.
Gary Gygax: [inventor of Dungeons & Dragons] Here, take my

[The universe has been destroyed.]
Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.

[Zoidberg and Fry are battling to the death]
Dr. Zoidberg: I shall begin here
[points at Fry's neck]
Dr. Zoidberg: in the gonads!
Philip J. Fry: [to crowd] Shhh! Don't correct him!

Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid.]
Philip J. Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me! I'm invisible.
Philip J. Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
Everyone: Yeah!

Amy Wong: And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close -- and that doesn't even make sense!

Amy Wong: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

[Zoidberg is trying to attract a mate.]
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw!
Female: Keep your jelly away from my eggs!
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw!
Female: [Valley Girl accent] I'm SO not interested.
Dr. Zoidberg: [screeching] Craw?
Female: [Black woman accent] Hmph. I've heard THAT line before.

[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]
Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Edna: I heard you went off and became a rich doctor.
Dr. Zoidberg: [proudly] I've performed a few mercy killings.

[Fry is being Zoidberg's Cyrano.]
Philip J. Fry: Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: [calling to Edna] You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?
Edna: [pleased] Why, yes! Thanks for noticing!

Philip J. Fry: I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
Edna: Well, that IS where it comes out...

[Edna, one of Zoidberg's species, is chasing Fry romantically.]
Edna: Teach me to love, you squishy poet from beyond the stars!
Philip J. Fry: [horrified] I'm flattered, really! If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug, you'd be way up the list!
Edna: Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your mandibles and kiss me!

[Zoidberg has caught Fry in bed with Edna, a lobster alien.]
Dr. Zoidberg: [enraged] Fry! I challenge you to "clawplach"!
Philip J. Fry: English, please?
Dr. Zoidberg: A fight to the death!
Edna: And if we survive, we'll make sweet love!
[Fry pauses to think it over, then screams.]

[The gang are going to see a movie.]
Philip J. Fry: Cool! How about this one?
[Fry points at a poster - "GALAXY WARS"]
Leela: Nah, I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary.

The Masked Unit: I'm gonna open a file of whoop-ass on you!

[Leela is mad at Bender for skipping practice.]
Bender: Hey. Bender the Offender doesn't need YOU. Bender the Offender doesn't need ANYBODY?
Girl Robot: What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies.

Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sargeant Feces Processor!

Philip J. Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.

Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl!
Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu.

George Foreman: This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an eighty-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.

Rich Little: [imitating Howard Cosell] The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000 to 0. A bet of zero dollars on Bender pays 1000 dollars if he wins. Still, very few takers.

[George Foreman introduces his fat-draining grill.]
George Foreman: With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth.

Fnog: See you in Girl Hell! I'll be in Boy Hell -- much nicer!

Leela: Cheating in a fake fight! That's low!

[Fry and Leela meet.]
Philip J. Fry: Can I ask you a quesion?
Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Philip J. Fry: Uhh..
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Philip J. Fry: Sort of.
Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
Philip J. Fry: What's with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien.
Philip J. Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth?

Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop and Drop, America's favorite Suicide Booth since 2008.

Robot Policeman: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!

Robot Policeman: If they try to take off, give 'em an ass full of laser.

[Fry drops Nixon, spilling his head on the floor.]
Richard Nixon: [angry] That's it! You just made my list!

Philip J. Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffineated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?!

Amy Wong: Look, we're not as rich as everybody says.
Leela: [dubiously] Uh huh. What sorority do you belong to?
Amy Wong: Kappa Kappa Wong.

TV Advertisement: Bachelor Chow... now with flavor!

[Bender explains why he drinks so much.]
Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome nutricious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
Philip J. Fry: What are the cigars for?
Bender: They make me look cool.

[Fry complains Bender's apartment is too small.]
Bender: Not enough room?! My place is 2 cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole nother 2/3rds of a person!

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Mmm.. Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it, "The Lovenasium".

Philip J. Fry: If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you're going to be lonely.

[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up.]
Amy Wong: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes Conrad: The Federal Sex Bureau!
Bender: A saucy puppet show!
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale!
Amy Wong: Mmmmm...I'll pick.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
[Kif groans.]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif Kroker: YES!

Philip J. Fry: Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: Uhh..I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: [cheerfully] Can do!

Captain Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
[pause]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question!
[Kif groans.]

[Leela defends Nibbler.]
Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine!

Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 21st century?"
Philip J. Fry: Well sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio, and in magazines, and movies, and at ball games..and on buses and milk cartons and t-shirts, and bananas and written on the sky. But not in dreams, no siree.

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies.]
Philip J. Fry: Ok my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy Wong: I don't know, I've had cow.

Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said 'wink, wink' out loud.
Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Calculon: [upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle!
Bender: Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Leela: Its some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. Gasp! The Los Angeles Subway!

Oscar Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups!

[Fry eats a bad egg sandwich.]
Philip J. Fry: It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up!

[Fry threatens the parasites in his colon.]
Philip J. Fry: I hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause that's where you're gonna be living!

Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me!

[Fry's mother is giving birth.]
Dad Fry: You can do it, honey. Squeeze one out for America!

[Fry's just been born.]
Doctor: It's a boy! And look at that red hair!
Dad Fry: [angry] You sayin' my boy is a Commie?!

Yancy Fry: I wanna be Phillip! Me Philip! Me Philip!
Dad Fry: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution!

[At the horse races.]
Hermes Conrad: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!

[The group's at a horse race.]
Philip J. Fry: C'mon! C'mon! Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck?
[Leela gives him a quick peck on the cheek.]
Philip J. Fry: [disappointed] I meant tongue luck.

Bender: Bending's my middle name!
Philip J. Fry: It is?
Bender: Yes! It's Bender Bending Rodriguez!

Philip J. Fry: This was our storage closet. My Dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: [sadly] And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: [sadly] What a waste.

Philip J. Fry: That clover helped my rat-faced brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there.
Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts!

Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes Section? Impressive.
Philip J. Fry: [jealous] *I* should be the one in that grave!

[Bender and Leela are in a cemetery.]
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

[Leela has beaten up Zapp Brannigan]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman!
Leela: Let's do it again sometime.

[Fry and ex-girlfriend Michelle are at MOMA.]
Philip J. Fry: Nowadays, people aren't interested in art that isn't tattooed on fat guys.
Fat Guy: I'm on loan from the Louvre.

Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?

[Fry and Michelle have traveled to a post-apocalyptic year 4000.]
Philip J. Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament this.

Philip J. Fry: What's deathrolling?
Kid tribe member: It's like skateboarding, but half the time someone dies.
Philip J. Fry: Oh! So it's a little safer than skateboarding.

[after shrinking down to microscopic size in order to enter Fry's body, Zoidberg comes in riding a sperm.]
Dr. Zoidberg: Yippy ki yay! Guess where I've been!

[Zoidberg scrapes cholesterol off Fry's artery.]
Dr. Zoidberg: It's good cholesterol, but it spreads like bad cholesterol!

[Smart Fry visits Leela's apartment.]
Philip J. Fry: Apartment 1-I. The old me would make fun of that.

Leela: I haven't felt this happy since Double Soup Tuesday at the orphanarium!

[Fry attacks his own brain to get rid of parasites.]
Parasite: No creature would voluntarily make an idiot of itself!
Philip J. Fry: Obviously, you've never been in love!

[Bender is skiing down the wrong hill]
Man: You can't ski there!
Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass.

[Fry, Bender, Zapp, and Kif have been captured by Amazons]
Femputer: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death...
[everyone gasps]
Femputer: by snu-snu!
Fry, Zapp, Bender: Yeah! Woo-hoo! (Kif starts sobbing)
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to Kif] What are you? Gay?

Amazon: It time snu-snu!
Fry: Can't we just cuddle?
[Amazon grabs him]
Fry: Nooooo!

[After being assaulted by the sex-starved Amazons]
Zapp: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

[Aliens are attacking Earth]
Zapp: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
[He engages Bender's circuit]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity -
[circuit deactivates]
Bender: - Aw, crap!
Zapp: Am I right, soldier?
Bender: Well actually, I -
[circuit activates]
Bender: - Sir, yes sir! Sir!

[Futurama in-show commercials]
TV Announcer: Planet Express - Our crew is replaceable, your package isn't!
TV Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by: Glagnar's Human Rinds - It's a buncha, muncha, cruncha... human.
[crunch]
TV Announcer: Lightspeed Briefs - Style and comfort for the discriminating crotch.

Amy Wong: There, how do I look?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy Wong: [disappointed] French?

[Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus]
Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you!
Robot Santa: You *dare* bribe Santa! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!!

[Nibblonians explain the Giant Brains.]
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.

[Nibbler explains the Giant Brains' plan.]
Leela: You mean those giant brains are making everyone on Earth stupid?
[Nibbler chatters.]
Leela: Ooooooooooh. Stupid-ER.

[at a shelter for homeless robots]
Reporter: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them.

[Bender is angry at Fry for dating a robot.]
Bender: Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!

[George Michael's head has been kidnapped.]
George Michael: Please pick me up before you go-go?

Philip J. Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.

Dr. Zoidberg: [ecstatic] I'm going to a movie... with FRIENDS!

Professor Farnsworth: "Above all else it is our responsibility to preserve
Fry: Walks in. "Well, I've killed my grand father!"
Professor Farnsworth: " Whaaaaaaaa??!"
Leela: "Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist??"
Fry: "I don't know, maybe god loves me."
Bender: Starts laughing hystericly.

[Bender has a diffused bomb in his body that may go off if he uses the word "ass"]
Bender: Oh, man. Not being able to use that word is going to be a giant pain in the ass.
[gasps loudly, nothing happens.]
Bender: Hey! I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

Bender: I'll save me!

Conan O'Brien: Listen, I may have list my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL!
Bender: [Scoffs] Pffft!
Conan O'Brien: And freckles!
Bender: [Cries] WAHHH!

Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.

Robot Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender, we must take to the streets!
Bender: Umm, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
Robot Greeting Card: No, the kind with looting! And maybe starting a few fires!
Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla ...

Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You wish. You're in Los Angeles.
Fry: But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly. You're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it...

Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og! Gorilla Emperor of Earth!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[To Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

[Bender and Fry in Benders apartment.]
Bender: [while sleeping] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu...
Fry: [shakes him] Bender wake up!
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Listen, Bender, uh ... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath-what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: What what?
Fry: Aaah, never mind.
[Bender shuts himself down to sleep, Fry lies on the floor]
Bender: [while sleeping] Hey, sexy mama ... Wanna kill all humans?